My own wonderful spouse has never uttered the words at the top of this post, but I have been in situations where it was prudent to just leave certain gamers alone just to avoid hurt feelings and arguments.
For example, I love playing Battlestar Galactica, but there are those in my group who actually become offended when you don’t believe that they are not a Cylon. The result being the infamous pout, or outright anger. (“Fine, throw me in the brig, this game is stupid anyway”)
Or the smugness, the despicable smugness. Smugness in humor is ok, if you are plainly just teasing or the group gets along well enough that you can say “dude, I crushed you!” and laugh about it. I’m talking about the smugness of the guy who sits and says nothing, then crushes you and then looks upon you with that smug dismissive smile as an inferior being. A bug that they have successfully crushed.
An example here would be a M:The Gathering tournament I was in, many years ago. It was my first and I sat facing a pimply faced teen in the first round. After only 2 or 3 turns, I was fireballed and forked and poof, I was out. The kid had uttered not a word, just played his cards with no concern as to what I did. I said it was a good game and held out my hand, and received the smugness in return. I realize he was just a kid and I just rolled my eyes and left, but I never played in another M:TG tournament, mostly from fear of embarrassment.
I’ve always tried to win with grace and lose with grace. Truly, winning or losing doesn’t matter to me. It is after all a game and I am there to have fun. If I had fun, then all is well. I’ll usually comment on the winners strategy and file it away for future reference, the winners usually like talking about their strategy and it makes for a great way to get past “End Game Awkwardness”. If I win, I just downplay it, I’m ready to move onto the next game.
But during the game, there are the uncomfortable situations that arise when you are forced to act against another player. It is after all part of the game, but they take it as a personal affront and dedicate the rest of the game to getting revenge, or just get PO’ed and refuse to play any more. That’s what I hate the most. Risk is a good example of this (yes I still play Risk sometimes, I like the LOTR version). While not the greatest game, many people still find themselves playing it on occasion, and many a good game has been ruined because of the player who gets mad because you attacked THEM, instead of the other guy. You then have to justify your attack, try to calm them down, assure them you only did it because you had too. Sometimes that still doesn’t work, and you tend to avoid attacking them in the future. Hey, I’d rather get wiped out and go play something else, than sit there with one or two territories for three hours.
Anyway, I’m turning this into a rant, so I’ll stop here. If you know what I’m talking about, sing out brothers and sisters. I’m going to take the advice I heard on a recent podcast, and see if I can lay my hands on a copy of Cosmic Encounter. In that game, your opponents are selected for you, so it would seem to lead to less hurt feelings. I’ve always wanted to try it anyway, so I’ll let you know how it goes.
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I can attest that I was there at the aforementioned M:TG debacle! Elliott didn't point out that he was probably about 30 years old or so at the time (Magic had been out for maybe three years) when the pimply faced twelve year old devastated him, and I mean devastated him, in the tournament at Gen Con. And he really was about twelve years old. Of course I was soon destroyed by a somewhat older pimply faced guy in either the same round or the next one.
I believe that early afternoon was sort of the death knell for M:TG and the both of us. Sure, we'd play every once in a while after that but I think the bloom was off the rose from there out. It wasn't the fact we lost – because we sure didn't think we were going to go very far in the tournament – but it was a real eye opener of how serious a lot of people were about the game. Elliott and I had both played in "championship" rounds of various games at game days and conventions before and had always displayed what I can say is some of the best friendly sportsmanship you'd find. Honestly, I always had a much more competitive nature (and don't let Elliott fool you, he's competitive too) so I stayed on my best behavior – I was Mother Teresa even at my worst competitve gaming moment compared to the vast majority of the people playing in this Magic tournament! I highly doubt if someone would have pee'd on you if you were on fire…
Luckily, we laughed it off and went out to grab some Italian for lunch. We kidded around that at least WE had been up close and personal with naked women! We finished lunch to come back to the convention and play in an auto racing game (I believe it was someone's homebrew rules) where we both ended up having a great time and playing for a trophy later on that night. I won't tell you who won, but Elliott can share if he'd like.
Yes Jeff won the trophy, which was funny because it was this HUGE trophy, like 4 feet tall, and he had to cart this thing around with him. We finally went and put it in the car. You'd be amazed at how many peple stop and stare at you when you are carrying a 4ft trophy around the streets of Milwaukee.
I think that was the funniest thing about winning the trophy, lugging it through the convention center to get it back to the car. It might have been higher than four feet actually… All these people were starting at this trophy and I can only imagine they thought we had won one of the big tournaments or something when in reality it was just some game we had stumbled into playing in the first place.
We actually had to stop gaming with a couple who are good friends of ours. The wife would get so mad at her husband if he played an action that adversely affected her that they would end up fighting. She would threaten him if he proposed certain actions. After a while, he began to not take actions that he should, just to keep the peace with his wife. In this environment, game play became vexing and frustrating, and we stopped gaming with this couple.
Actually not the focus I thought it would be from the title. Seems like the couples gaming dynamic only got touched on as part of the larger point of the post. But I think it's a topic that bears a lot of discussion. There's a couple who are friends of mine who I will no longer play Magic: The Gathering with as a 3-player every-man-for-himself game. The wife simply will not attack the husband no matter what, and he only attacks her if she is about to win otherwise, so it's essentially like playing 2 vs. 1. Infuriating.
Then again, it all does stem from what you're talking about here — people who can't understand that attacking someone in a game about attacking people has no bearing on how much you like them in real life.
I actually quit M:tG for the same reason. I was starting to take it seriously and travelled to enter in Pro Tour Qualifiers, but I found that most of my opponents were rude and openly mocked me when we played.
I decided that it just wasn't a culture I wanted to be involved in.
I like games because it is the designated time to attack someone. By playing the game they are giving you permission. In life I like to be nice and help people, in games I get to be aggressive without actually hurting anyone. And I want them to be combative with me. I won't have fun playing a game if I know that my opponents aren't trying to win.
It's funny that you mentioned Cosmic Encounter, I played it recently and did not have a good time. I tried to keep a straight face and I finished the game but I was worried people saw me as being a bad sport. It's hard to pretend to have fun though. I just don't think I like a game where one player can cause another player to lose 3 ships and discard their special cards 5+ times a round without recourse. Maybe I just don't like chaotic games.
I admit I am guilty of this at times. I can get frustrated and upset in games (usually when I misplay).
Winning and losing well is a skill I am trying to develop.
Hey, I know what you are talking about. My group consists of me, my two sons and their wives and one daughter and her husband. I don't what to sound like a sexist here, but in our group dynamic the guys can go on the attack with gusto, and great fun is had by all, but the gals?! Wo, here you have tread carefully. We (the guys) have learned and used all sorts of tactics to keep the atmosphere light and to remind everyone (the gals) that it is just a game and we love them even as we are destroying them, but even then, it sometimes doesn't work. I remember one time when my daughter had been able to earn a 'Province" card in Dominion and it was getting down to the last one, and then, one of the guys made the mistake of buying that last province. Holy Cow! You would have thought the world ended on that day! Generally, we all have great fun playing (every Friday night), but if we sense the mood is not encouraging, I bring out the cooperative games rather than the competitive ones. A little bit of tact goes a long way.
BTW, I graduate school, we (the guys/gals in the department) played a lot of Diplomacy. There were some people who just couldn't get it. "IT'S JUST A GAME!!!!!" Made a few enemies those days.